Tons of thoughts wander around my mind, tons of ideas what to write about. But the truth is, when I finally sit here with my laptop, it’s just a mess.
It’s so hard for me to write about one, chosen topic. I’m always too distracted, I want to speak about every single thing that’s been bothering me. And there are a lot of them.
I’m having such a bad time since I’ve moved to new place and can’t really find it comfortable or domestic at all. All I feel is constant exhaustion and no sign of energy to do anything more than just work, eat, sleep and back to the first one. There are so many affairs I have to take care of. Finishing University, changing work (what I’m currently doing), trying to find something in my exact profession (or the profession I’m going to have when I finally finish what I’ve been doing for 3 years now) and many other stuff I can’t even remember about. That’s truly a lot or that is just a lot to me. Maybe I’m not a genius. But do we all really have to be like that?
I don’t like the pressure and being forced to do things all the time. And when I see people looking at me as an immature child who doesn’t really know what to do in life, I want to prove them wrong. No one can judge our life choices or the paths we are stepping. I don’t want to be dramatic and see everything in grey but people are mostly here to bring you down. Not everyone, I’m not saying that! There’s no bad in people, just the evil they bring to their life themselves. We choose our directions and we are responsible for what we’ve chosen.
Being a mess should be okay too. But it definitely is only when we talk about it. When you say you’re not able to do some stuff because you just feel bad and weak, there’s really no one who can help you. No one to give you that hint. No one to actually tell you – don’t worry kid, you don’t have to do this now, you can try again when you’re ready. The pressure of time is my least favourite thing in every task I get. It was with me at school, it’s with me at Uni and it stays with me at work. We just can’t live without each other.  That’s horribly bad. Not only my mind is sick but also my body starts to react weirder and weirder everytime.
And I’m fighting. Trying to overcome the hopeless feeling of being forced. Of being the have to because if not, then you’re a loser. Well, I am not. You are not. As long as we keep trying.
Just because we can’t afford our goal now, doesn’t mean we’re not going to do this ever. Maybe it’s not your day, week or even a good period of your life to do this or that. We all need to grow up, sometimes chill out or just breath in&out to look at things from different perspective.
Let’s do this. And I hope for that great start to an end, blank page and new chapter to be opened when the right time comes.
flying state of mind 